Luke Nuttall (Editor / Writer)
5
Aryia – Viral
Okay, let’s get this one out the way first—it’s an EP from another charmless, untalented and overall shitty pop-punk e-boy that only stands out from the others by having markedly more cringeworthy writing. It’s only this low are because a) it’s practically a dead scene already now; b) you’re probably never going to hear anything more from Aryia again; and c) the embarrassment he ought to feel for releasing something like this should be punishment enough.
4
Asking Alexandria – Where Do We Go From Here?
Shock horror! An Asking Alexandria album as one of the worst of the year?! It’s almost like they’ve got nothing to do, or say, or gesture towards that gives the idea that there’s anything more to this band than empty radio minutes. This mightn’t be their most egregious offering, but that’s no saving grace when their metalcore / radio-rock slop remains so profoundly lazy and uninteresting. Other than the fact it routinely sounds awful, there’s no ingenuity or creativity or colour displayed here that would leave you to believe that Asking Alexandria have a right to exist anymore. Even on that absolute baseline of mere existence, they’re not good at it.
3
Royal Blood – Back To The Water Below
No, it’s not harsh, or over-exaggerated. Think about it—there’s no reason to give Royal Blood the benefit of the doubt yet again, when they’ve only been trending downwards and now fallen into a full-on tailspin. But even without the context of a band falling from grace without a parachute, Back To The Water Below is the stale, dishwater-brown permutation of rock music that’s made less exciting again by Royal Blood’s sheer lack of drive to do anything with it. Of course this was vetted by a major label—it’s rock designed to appeal to the “there’s no good music these days” crowd, by drilling into dad-rock instincts that represent a marked and Mach-speed backslide from even the meagre palette they began with. And when every subsequent listen reveals just how bankrupt of longevity it is…you’re left with absolute garbage.
2
Thirty Seconds To Mars – It’s The End Of The World But It’s A Beautiful Day
Imagine being Jared Leto and having carte blanche to faceplant time and time again, with next to no repercussions. It almost looked like he did the music world a favour by focusing most of his attention on his acting, but clearly we just aren’t that fortunate, are we? As such, we’ve got this, a farted-out wisp of an album that no one cared about on its release, but still stank to high heaven from just how non-committal to anything it is. The pop that no one liked is back, now surgically removed of even the barest touch of bombast, as Leto croaks over a painfully boring set of songs that demands no attention, and gives just as little back in return. At least America, for as similarly dreadful as it was, sounded like it sometimes had a pulse, or a semblance of an idea. This one, on the other hand, fails to even put in that minimal effort. It’s only a beautiful day when you forget this thing exists.
1
Avenged Sevenfold – Life Is But A Dream…
Thank you, Avenged Sevenfold. Thank you for throwing your hat into the ring of worst of the year contenders, with the abject brazenness to make picking literally anyone else seem foolish. Sure, this kind of wild stab in the dark is at least superficially exciting from one of the biggest metal bands around, but when every inch of it is so thoroughly misguided—at best—what praise is there to give? What does Life Is But A Dream… believe it’s earned, outside of derision for being so badly produced, so weirdly, uncomfortably meandering, and so devoid of consistency in its parade of theatrical half-measures that don’t add up nearly to what they want? It’s almost amateurish in every sense, and the niggling feeling that that’s the point makes it so, so much worse. There are big swings that miss, and then there are ones that fly so far off the handle that the resultant chain reaction leaves multiple casualties and near-deaths in their wake. For Life Is But A Dream…, the latter is the best-case scenario.
Georgia Jackson (Deputy Editor / Writer)
5
American Authors – Best Night Of My Life
If Best Night Of My Life was any other American Authors album, it would fly under most of the global population’s radar, not even notable enough to make any list. But the pathetically brazen tactic of making the project a response to their 2014 (they couldn’t have even waited for the ten-year anniversary) hit Best Day Of My Life is a desperate clawing back of relevancy from a band completely out of ideas. It’s funnier that the move has absolutely not worked, and the world hasn’t flocked to American Authors’ Spotify page in the name of nostalgia. Back to the drawing board, boys.
4
Marshmello – Sugar Papi
It’s been a minute since Marshmello had a huge hit, so he decided to look at what’s popular now and muscle in. Latin music and reggaeton was the unlucky victim, and it’s a genre Marshmello has no business being part of, Suga Papi (say no more) being as derivative as one could guess for such a cynical project.
3
Owl City – Coco Moon
Owl City’s Adam Young is known for creating his own little worlds in his music, and those who’ve tapped out for a while will be pleased to know those worlds still sound like the ones he made in 2012. There’s an epic novel in the narrative of Coco Moon, except it was clearly made by a twee adult man-child who didn’t leave his basement for days to choose between hilarious glitchy synth motifs. It’s uncertain who the target market for this is—it’s so kid-friendly in its sonic palette and delivery but boasts a lyric sheet as long as War & Peace and songs that regularly drift over the five-minute mark. That said, it’s so cloying that most people would probably tap out before the end anyway.
2
Lil Pump – Lil Pump 2
We’re sure no-one’s actually expecting quality from a Lil Pump record, but that doesn’t change the fact that Lil Pump 2 is beyond awful. He partakes in the current trend of putting out a sequel to a past project (often the only relevant one), but it just highlights all the subpar aspects of his ‘talent’. Pump has such a whiny quality to his voice and insists on dragging out his syllables to really highlight it. The lyricism is truly bottom of the barrel stuff, often nonsensical and in need of a proofreader, while the synths are often tinny. The ‘metal’ song speaks for itself too—good if you need a laugh, otherwise avoid this record at all costs.
1
AJR – The Maybe Man
The Owl City record from this year was twee and garish yes, but at least it had moments of actual creativity on there. Take that away and you have AJR’s The Maybe Man, which sounds like it uses pre-made pop song templates from some software somewhere, zhuzhed up with some brass and strings. AJR records are always gratingly chipper to the point where there must be an IV drip involved somewhere, but plot twist, there’s a darkness to the lyrics that might be easier to appreciate if you weren’t pummelled with them with no breathing room or catchy hook to hold onto. Not even the most maniacal kids’ TV presenters could make The Maybe Man.
